chrysalisgal

Long history...regaining

2006-08-29T19:48:41Z

And again in life I'm lost. He's sooooo worried about being a push over that he makes himself distant and pain bearing. I don't write anymore, I don't read anymore, and I certainly don't feel like me anymore. Reading an old friend's diary has made me miss who i never had the chance to be. If I keep on running they'll be nothing left to run with. Canada, sleeping in, putting off work (or is it?) and just being plain old fusterated with myself is the life i walked into. I'm trying so hard to make it perfect trying so hard to just wish that it would all be ok......that i made the right decisions in what I've done over the past year...I want to breath out and feel the air leaving my lungs with the goal in mind that that should be happening how it is. I want to be this girl great with her words and possitive in her steps but I'm not sure i can be that no not sure I can be anything now.

cigars in the summer time.

2005-12-12T04:13:01Z

so tonight for about the forth in a row im locked up in my house trying to battle off this cold, I think I ma y have starte o win the battle, my sence of smell is slowly returning. Im cuddled up with my pup it is grand. Its odd, tonight i gave two of my guy friends rlationship advice.....why is it im so good at giving it but so bad at exacuting it? Hm, the other night i went to get on the train and there was this guy playng the accordian, french music to be exact and this train like constrution thing flew by on the tracks it looked like something out of a beatles movie, at that moment I was happy. I miss him, I dont think he cares. I feel like if I tell him how I feel again I'll be a pain. Its been like two years, he bearly gives me time of day, will he ever take me seriously again? can I ever compare to the others? Can I ever redeem myself for what I did? I'm not sure if this is one of thoe things to leave alone or jump into, I dnt want to mess up any chance I have again if there is even one again. Pain.

some good advice

2005-12-06T13:50:36Z

Son,dont get involved in theatre in NYC.

Its snowing!!!!!!

2005-11-24T23:30:18Z

...well up state not in the city. JOhn Lennon and I ventured up state for this holiday its been "nice". When getting off the train jonny fell between the train and the track it was scary.

Amazing

2005-11-17T20:19:31Z

Right now it three o clock. I'm sitting in the brooklyn loft/studio of a respectable man after a long night of the ushual. Not of someone who is a household name not of someone who sells out huge arenas. Someone with the passion the life of music and what it can do to your very being. I've been in deep thought and deep conversation with this man since ten this morning I never wished more to have a recorder present. Its been like an outer body exsperience that would show up in some indie film in black and white. Its like I've been sucked back into the sixties having the pleasure to sit with one of the rok gods and have them spill their soul. I wish I could have some deep wisdom to respond to him but all I can do is listen and hope its enough. He speaks to me of music and money and love and worse of all his dieing flame. I think I may understand now better then I ever have. Why it has the drugs and crazy lifes because the ones that truly create are the one that drive themselfs truley mad and it has nothing to do with muses or love or anything of a substance but the true artist are the ones the breath it and are tortured by it everyday of their lifes.Hes been doing this for thirty now and now after all the peaks, stoops, and high flames as he calls it, is questioning what it's all about. He looks so tortured behind his key board spilling this rant that takes my breath away. I dont understand why he has giving me the pleasure to recieve this gift, this truth. Its like a taste of the real rock I've craved for my entire little being. Its so fusterating how these bands out there create to be huge and take almost no talent to form the media and the mind frames us poor young kids like me born after the death gasp of rock and roll passed. Then there's this, this talent the utopia of realism florishing on its own. God I'm the luckiest person to live in this moment. I wish I could help but its not my place I'm an outsider looking in and I'm for the first time glad of that.

Amazing

2005-11-17T20:18:22Z

Right now it three o clock. I'm sitting in the brooklyn loft of a respectable man. Not of someone who is a household name not of someone who sells out huge arenas. Someone with the passion the life of music and what it can do to your very being. I've been in deep thought and deep conversation with this man since ten this morning I never wished more to have a recorder present. Its been like an outer body exsperience that would show up in some indie film in black and white. Its like I've been sucked back into the sixties having the pleasure to sit with one of the rok gods and have them spill their soul. I wish I could have some deep wisdom to respond to him but all I can do is listen and hope its enough. He speaks to me of music and money and love and worse of all his dieing flame. I think I may understand now better then I ever have. Why it has the drugs and crazy lifes because the ones that truly create are the one that drive themselfs truley mad and it has nothing to do with muses or love or anything of a substance but the true artist are the ones the breath it and are tortured by it everyday of their lifes.Hes been doing this for thirty now and now after all the peaks, stoops, and high flames as he calls it, is questioning what it's all about. He looks so tortured behind his key board spilling this rant that takes my breath away. I dont understand why he has giving me the pleasure to recieve this gift, this truth. Its like a taste of the real rock I've craved for my entire little being. Its so fusterating how these bands out there create to be huge and take almost no talent to form the media and the mind frames us poor young kids like me born after the death gasp of rock and roll passed. Then there's this, this talent the utopia of realism florishing on its own. God I'm the luckiest person to live in this moment. I wish I could help but its not my place I'm an outsider looking in and I'm for the first time glad of that.

last night

2005-11-10T22:04:49Z

Ok. smoke drifting form the end of a clove that has grown long and grey with ashes. Giggling about the idea of cheating my future with omeone who I’ve never met making my life more worth telling in a story book. Fretting then thinking its all exsperiance. I don’t know if the ones I should look up to are telling the truth. Having someone say that they see themselves in me is amazing it’s like my mother is forming from complete strangers. Live and let live is great I hate all the fucking golden rules. Survival in this city is a crazy way to live. And I will do all that it takes along the road, the bumpy road. I want to write about some gruesome picture paint it with these words I can’t write. But it too simple for that. This ulcer this life, me. Me. Me.

a blog from a few nights ago

2005-11-10T22:03:37Z

Night. Wandering. Alone. I feel more at home on these streets, with the garbage with the rats, with these thoughts in these hours more then ever. I dread winter cause I may be homeless again with out this sanity.
I wish so much I could sit down right in front of all the passing feet with this very computer and write I feel like you would understand me so much better. Before these thoughts leave these lips and I’m here trying to remember in front of the glowing screen in my kitchen. Wandering from the east village to my apartment:

11th ave- 1st ave full of it old aging rockstars who thank god never let go or that place would be empty

Houston- delancy with its lil boys with long hair and full arm tattoos and vintage girls.

Below – the world that reminds me of spilled ink slowly being taken over by the above.

I love how a single clove can accompany the whole way. At this moment I am my lover, my faith, my body guard, and sure.
I almost gave up cloves this week….afraid they were a mark of my young age then realizing I am anything but that. In this silk shirt from my room mates closet. I don’t fit with the old rockstar’s im too real…..but they love my company so they can take advantage. I don’t fit with the boys with the tattoos or the girls with vintage….I may blow up their spot….when they need me and no one is looking they may glance my way with a smile and words they would never admit to I’m too poor to pretend I am a miss understood wasp. Then the spilled ink….we all know I’m too rich to understand. Not in money but in culture. I dissust myself how I look down on them sometimes but what do you exspect they are them and I am me we both know this. Its far from self glory.

I saw a show tonight. It left the taste of Lily on my lips…the main story of the show was the lonely women's need for love ……no that’s what she wanted you to think……and its so easy to want to believe it. Genious. There is so much here for her…..a utopia of words and vain. The show was very selfish on the performers part then I realized no one said it wouldn’t be and I had placed myself there.

Time to walk the dog.

up to my eyeballs

2005-10-21T21:48:30Z

Last night was like visiting a past life only the “present” was not on will, more so circumstance or even known at the time to myself. It’s like I’ve forgotten. I was almost brought to tears sitting in Cait’s kitchen so late as I’ve done a hundred times before. All there was to speak of was John Lennon I wanted to poke my own eyes out. Everything was a rush she said I was pouting I knew I was remembering what I try so hard to forget. I wanted to chew that ring off her finger, out of her nose all while shaking her and saying WHERE?! Where did it go? Where did the magic…..the hope, go and when did the real world break into this fantasy that I can still taste on the tip of my tongue like it was yesterday, because in my mind it was. “You never know what you have till its gone” is a common statement in my life anymore, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing as a symbol of growth or if its pitiful as a symbol of fucking up and walking away as I’ve always done. It seems as though I’m always starting over when will the real beginning come? I hope this isn’t life, a bunch of new beginnings crammed together trying to be a consecutive turn of events but really turning into a bunch of affirmations you loose touch with in one forgetful spat, it gets so tiring. This city has a way of eating you up you’d like to think in a bunch of little nibbles but really it’s not its one big gulp and before you know it your gone, up to your eyeballs as I like to say. So much in this city, just crammed it eats you alive and hurls the thoughts so hard. For a few days there I couldn’t even look up let alone lift the corners of my lips, now as the caffeine from the crazy yet sweet corner shop man, and the nicotine runs through my blood again I can’t help but to smile in this dim bar where I place myself in the same position I always do, just different people. I can’t decide if it’s a life style or an image, I’m not sure which would be more depressing. The same the music, the damn day dream the reality of it all playing the fools card I’ve grown to love when its half a foot before me through my crooked glasses. Strange I live for moments like this and dread the day when they don’t come. Again huddled in this corner of this dark yet warm bar wondering where is it to go from here? She doesn’t understand its almost impossible for me to live without the fantasy. How can you miss something that may not have been real?????

How will you never know if you dont try it?

2005-09-27T12:56:58Z

OK. So here we have it....I am an official college drop out or at least thats the feel of it, after I handed in my paper work. So here it goes. I left Purchase ....well let me start from the begining. I left Applebees
in pure fustration, I couldn't handel all th enegativity ALL the tie people hating their job and basically spending hours upon heres complaining about hating their jobs.....sooooo after a manager was a jerk to me I woke up the next morning and was like ...."I could go to work or sleep" sleep won which makes me uber sad to leave all my buddys but since we still chill so its cool. Ok so now I have basicaly become a LES rat. I work at Sugar Sweet Sunshine with four other amazing women this is the best job I think I ever had, I mean come on I sell cup cakes all day. (on Essex and Rivington) if anyone wants to visit. And oh yes I forgot (not really) I am now a professional! I got a job working on a play murder which will be opening in the theater district feb. oh yes and a bunch more good stuff has been happening in my career but I'll get to that later (see there was a good reason for me to leave school ....i dont need it!) So, basicaly my days now are cup cakes, and theatre my life is amazing! I love getting home at proper hours and being able to sleep LOVE it. Also, I am now sitting in this AMAZING suite in the trump marina in altlantic city with six Applebee buddies we had a great time last night drinking game gambling and lots of polaroids, life is great. I'm learning now since the real work for my show hasn't begun yet and I have all this free time to read, live, and love that lifes not all about working you ass off (as in a job like serving) just to have a bunch of money and fitting everything into days where its to the point you dont sleep. Life is about the quality NOT the quanity,Even though im not bringing $400 home a night any longer I'm happier then I think I've ever been in life........I'm glad I figured this out now and not later, Life is Good.

the art of war

2005-08-29T04:17:04Z

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chrysalisgal @ 2005-08-15T18:43:00

2005-08-16T01:44:44Z

The music. The music is my first love. The life style is my worst enemy. I found my way for about a month it was amazing. I lost my way about three days ago. I will gain it back now. Rock and Roll gets to the bottom of my heart and shakes all the good.
“never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously you never get hurt, if you never get hurt, you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely just go to the record store and visit your friends.”

I’ve got a bad case of the Penny Lane syndrum. I may have been born with it.

I have a dream. A dream of bohiemian lower east side life. Packed into a little apartment hiding from any true responsibility of the early twenties age. Never mind, not a dream but more of being led by the thing that makes me truly happy deep down. I lost my way.

I have rock and roll dreams.
I wish I played them out better.
Why am I always a fool so unprepared with him when I know how I should balance know how to let the glimmer show through the groupie into the band aid.

I am so proud to see those eyes again, I was being over loud just so he would hear- know he was listening.no matter how much he pretended he wasn’t

It was amazing.
I thought I saw it again. But truth is I never really lost it.
I should learn to never doubt myself.

The other life wasn’t for me I’m not letting go again.
In the morning I will know who I am again.

sleepless

2005-08-03T05:13:01Z

I'm sitting outside on a stoop across the street from my soon to not be mine apartment now and collect what ever signal I can for this computer. I had my first small surgery today ...who knew cancer would hurt so much. I can smell the incence im burning I'm not sure if its from my window or my clothes. I missed Brandon a lil today then I realised I really didnt because I'm happy. Sick, still with out new apartment, not going back to school, killing myself in the resturant, but happy. Wow this entry sounds so depressing really it shouldnt lol. Next week I'm going to see kings of Leon play I'm uber over excited even more for the person going with me, it promises to be a good time. I need to go to bed. Sleep is essental at this point. Oh yes and Etan loves me he's taking me to see spamalot next weekend this = me loving him. Enough self blabbing. Good Night.

hey ya

2005-07-09T19:16:04Z

Its been for ever since I wrote. Life is like a roller coaster any more never really know which direction its gonna head....that morning.......or after noon its been latly when i get up...this guy on myspae wrote this great thing it made me happy......"to all you hopeless philosophers and rock stars with inflated egos, to all of you who will take anything from anyone, all you hot shot hustlers and self proclaimed bad asses, to all you high school football heroes and small town legends, to all of the fashion models and sex queens. take out your devices, poor yourself another shot. take out your broken light bulbs, take out your ball point crack pipes. load them like guns. this is a toast to you. congratulate yourselves and celebrate. take a hit, drink your drink. because you are at the top of your game. this is as good as life gets for you. it all goes downhill from here. at least until you get some more.'. made me giggle at the rock star because that exaclty what he is, was and will always, gives me hope. this whole cancer thing has me shook up i'm not sure anymore what i want to do. i use to think I knew so well. When your time might be cut short you start to look at everything backwards and upside down. i spend alot of time wandering the city now...i quit my day job so I would have more time to 'enjoy' life....why has it been so unenjoyable then? i spend alot of time looking at people. i feel like i wana go home when the funny part is im already there, this city has a way of killing you slowly and making you love every agonizing minute of it. i miss everyone.

the earth is on fire!

2005-06-08T19:59:15Z

Ahhhhhhhhh! I am sooooo bored anymore....My one job has ended and they other I quit so as of right now ...jobless and poor......Yet I'm starting at applebees (Nyc 42st) again next week and my teaching job starts at the end of the month.....i hope to meet some cute team mates there. Now I'v been just sitting around .........if i clean my house again I may exsplode....so I took what little gas I have left in my tank and I drove to the libary where I sit now talking to you. I've been hanging out with a few boys but......thats how its always been for me..... stupid.... Magaly is convinced I'm turning into Samantha from sex and the city. I think that may be a bad thing but oh well thats life....onto myspace I go!

chchchchanges

2005-05-28T03:57:55Z

I think its about time I started over. I never really left home when I left.....I held on too much to really move on. The world keeps spinning when I'm not there I need to realize this, anyhow besides my handful of close friends who really is thinking of me up state? I held so much high for the marching band, never really wanted to admit it wasn't real...i mean I knew in the back of my mind just never really admitted it to myself. Wow, i really need to see the world as is. Its like everyone in the band is too scared to admit what it really is. Im not going to get into it in black and white now but it really is sad and I do praise those who left. Now im not putting down all the hard work we put into the seasons or what people gave up to get us where we were, just the politics of it all. And the favorites that were always played by the directors......I fought forever to be one of them and now I sit back and think why? WHat does it really matter in the end? Does it change who i am ? no.... Would it have made me any better of a person? no. ......I have to let go. I dont think I'm going to go up state any time soon maybe not till mid summer festival. I really need to focus on starting my life here 100% and find a new group to hang with, some what closer to me for now. I hope my friends from upstate will take a trip down every now and then to see me, I will still miss them but its about time people start reaching out to me, seems like im always the one to fight, im tired I need to just live.

lil old me.

2005-05-28T03:34:19Z

Some of the things I love:
Spooning all morning...and after noon and night.....

Emo boyz, and cute emo girls that can inspire...

Waking up on time and having my yummy cup of tea

When people rub my belly

When I make someone with a cute smile, smile.

Forgetting what its like to be with someone then rediscovering it.

Art that takes your breath away.

Feeling like you have a place in this crazy world

Giving someone a place in this crazy world

Simple pleasures

a peeeerrrrttttyyyy sky

Missing people and then them coming home.

Being hopeless

Finaly letting go

discovering

Being lil me.

now I believe

2005-05-03T17:02:11Z

I feel like the ironic cord someone is plucking on an acustic. Beltane was interesting this year, the energy wasn't like the past I think the change of days sent the energy for a loop, I have to say even though I'm more lost now in my love life, I feel like I have more direction in every other part. I'm stating to remember who I am again and I'm reclaiming my feeling of home. I hate to say it, this world is calusing me into a realist, I guess everyone has to grow up every now and then and realise life isn't a fairy tale and sometimes things just dont work out how you want them to. I still see the beauty in things but that dosn't mean I trust it any longer. I think this really is the only way to make it through life with out getting distracted from it. I feel for once I'm not chasing my tail....even though that was half the fun....it hurt so much when I would finally get it.

damn love

2005-04-29T17:37:06Z

Hm, seems I'm back to where I began, but if I didnt do that It wouldn't be me. At leaste this time I can breath. How is it someone thousands of miles away can relate and write so much that like the tip of a pin is how i feel? She is such a special person and dosn't even know it....or she does and thats why she goes so crazy. No I know why she goes crazy the same reasons I do the lack there of love has a way of making anyone mad. Our the lack there of love that is only felt full and whole from certain lovers. I am the same.

bem, bem, maria

2005-04-25T22:45:58Z

So i didnt even realize how out of hand life has gotten for me. I need to take a step back again and assist the situation. I need to work on me. Even though the "us" is starting to work its self out again. It feels good but I need to feel back to me before it can be real again. This summer is going to be a really good one for me, I think I will grow more then I ever imagined I could. Its odd how much the two of us have grown together, I always thought all the pain would push us further apart, but its different in this case we have grown from one anothers pain and have come out of it together, I guess this is what love is all about. Again balance. A summer apart will be the exscape to get back to myself I need. Besides from this revolation, it better warm up for the festival this weekend or it will really suck it is too cold to be running around half naked, we'll all end up getting sick. I'm really going to miss Magaly when she leaves for the summer, besides from my girl friends up north far away I'm going to have lack there of girl friends here...Rachel will be back from europe but we all know how she is....damn you all move to the city!!!!

struming my pain with his fingers

2005-04-21T22:49:29Z

Itrs been way too long since I have wrote....unmentionable reasons have prevented me from venting. So life has panned out alot different then any of us exspected, exspecialy myself. My first full fledged show has taking flight, the first production meeting was two days ago....funny, I'm not even 20 and have a huge show opening in the city in 4 months, crazy, I love it. I've taking a break from boys and men and love over all. I feel as though I've been spun around so much in this area i can't walk straight and I'm just going to stand still till my mind stops shaking...I hope I'm not just waiting around, never really tell with my head. Anyhow time to focus on my career and friends both which were semi put on the back burner in the past few months...sorry guys. I miss me and my life with out the pain I hope it dosnt burn too much now.

damn halo

2005-03-11T05:58:17Z

Damn halo taking up my night!!!!!!!

hail the pages turning.

2005-03-01T18:35:04Z

Ok, so life has been a balance for me lately. Really bad and Really good. Its sooo worth it. So for those of you who dont see me on a day to day basis, I am getting suspended from campus housing....long story, didnt do anyhing, not really and definetly not to be punished to this exstent. Its ok though I've been wanting to move out of housing and into my own place anywho. I found a place 15 mins from campus, it will in the long run actually be cheaper then living here over the summer on a month to month basis. Its also uber close to the subway so getting to and from the city will no longer be an issue. I'll most likely get a job in the city on weekends for extra cash. My love life is amazing, its slow like honey but perfect in its own way. I'm really begining to be happy again, in a full deep way I love it and him.

In a can.

2005-02-25T07:17:40Z

Karma basicaly kicked my ass this week....wow.....and ow....tomarrow I leave to go to Brooklyn with Brandon. It should be interesting, I think hes trying me on for size sorta with his family they are the biggest part of his life, besides himself and all. I need to spend a lil girl time with Magaly next week hmmmm hope I remember. So Im feeling better just cant breath out of my nose yet.....but more healthy. Gotta get sleep now I have a long, interesting and scary weekend ahead!

me.

2005-02-24T21:56:38Z

Fester. That is what I'm doing festering in my own blame for not following my gut instinct. This sucks I'm a mess and my stomach is in knots. My hand are cold and its almost five .....I can't wait that long for this call. My life will be sooooo changed. Damn you stupid people who made me take the blame, I can't handle all this.